And this time I'll keep it off!
A Return to the Temple of Iron and Self-Loathing
09/09/2025 - This was published some months ago, but I took it down when I realized I don’t want to do a workout blog. Reposting this for Vito.
Vanity and a military issued fear of becoming a “disgusting fat body” keeps me from eating breakfast, lunch and dinner with double starch and a side of gravy. While I have avoided the post-enlistment ballooning many of my former comrades go through, I have, at times, reached points where my health habits were geared towards ensuring I drop dead on a toilet before I turn 45. The canary in the coal mine for my unhealthiest point was in 2018 when I realized being able to hold my whiskey glass on my gut was a bug and not a feature.
Keto was the fad at the time and I’ll say it genuinely worked for me. I shed 30lbs in about 5 months with minimal exercise, all while eating fat fucking steaks and chicken braised in cream cheese. Maybe my kidneys or liver took a hit, but it was nice to get back to normal levels again.
But as I get older, I realize I need to get back to a consistent state of relatively healthy living. And I’d like to maybe see my abs again before I die. This can be difficult as those who know me know I love nothing in this world more than food and bourbon. So with that, I’m going to write a few posts on my workout and diet. I make no claims of being an expert in fitness or nutrition. It’s the “this shit worked for me, maybe it will work for you” approach to blogging.
Why am I getting back into the swing of things and posting about it?
I’ll post a “starting physique” photo later. The short of it is I’m down to 188lbs from 200 after improving my diet/reducing my alcohol intake. Yet, I still feel like a sedentary bag of ass. And I’d like to continue eating good food while mitigating the likelihood I develop bowel cancer, heart disease (which runs in the family), or diabetes. Really not a fan of needles.
Accountability is a common excuse for these vanity exercises under the guise of content creation. Honestly, I just want to start writing. This is something I know a little about and people who share my lifestyle - mid-30’s, WFH desk job, with semi-regular travel - might find it useful.
“Why should I listen to you?”
You probably shouldn’t. But here’s a snapshot of my fitness levels after 9 months of consistent exercise in Afghanistan using my routine:
350lb bench press PR
650lb squat PR
275lb dead lift (this was for 2 sets of 10, I never tried to max my dead lift)
~10% body fat
These forearms, tho.
While I had two other deployments where I lifted pretty regularly, I had a long break before this deployment. Most of my gains were in that 9 months. My only supplements were pre-workout (NO Xplode) and Gold Standard Whey Protein. There was like a month where I took this weird post-workout something or other that I bought at the PX. It was ice cold going down and after the third time of waking up to run to the bathroom in the middle of the night I stopped that shit.
General Guidelines and Timeline
I have never liked isolation workouts. If I don’t hit every muscle group in the gym I feel like a piece of shit. This has been the basis for every regimen I’ve put together, adding more complexity and more days per week as my fitness advanced. With that in mind, here are the general guidelines for my routine:
Form is everything. Do not kip, jerk your body in weird ways, or perform a lift you can’t do at a steady pace with perfect form. Like swinging your arm to curl a dumbbell. If you can’t lift it right, don’t lift it at all.
Focus on “vanity” muscles and getting into the routine.
All exercises are 2 sets of 10 reps unless otherwise noted.
Weight should be high enough that you have to work for the last few reps, but could still do 2-3 more than 10.
You shouldn’t need more than a minute between sets.
You should never need a spotter unless you’re going for a PR.
Big ol’ asterisk on this to say “know your body and your limits.” Don’t push for 10 on the bench if you’re feeling weak at 5. You will have rough days and your ego isn’t worth an injury.
If you’re just starting to lift or haven’t been to the gym in a while, start with light weights for the first few weeks and get used to the motions.
Listen to your body. Be mindful of your back, knees, and shoulders. If I don’t link to a guide on form, look it up before executing. Especially squats.
Don’t be lazy.
Do every exercise standing up when possible.
Do not use machines unless the exercise calls for it OR if you have no other option.
You trigger additional muscles when using free weights/bars vs something like a smith machine.
1 scoop of protein immediately after a workout.
Do not start working out with pre-workout. Save it for later when you really start pushing your body. Newbie gains are real and you don’t need that shit right away.
The best way to lose weight is to become comfortable eating the same thing pretty regularly. We’ll talk more about food here shortly.
Increase weight weekly. Even if it’s just a few pounds on your bench or squats.
When I look back on my time lifting in Afghanistan, I had three main phases.
Phase 1:
I lifted every other day and hit chest, back, bis, tris, shoulders, legs, forearms, abs in 1-2 exercises each. This lasted for about two months. Once my joints stopped clicking, I could keep to the routine, and I wanted to incorporate functional fitness into my routine, I slowly transitioned into Phase 2. This routine took about 35 minutes.
Phase 2:
I now lifted every day except Sunday. I would have an alternating routine for hitting each muscle group. E.g. Monday I would do bicep curls with supination (learned that one from P90X). Tuesday I would do hammer curls and barbell curls.
I also began incorporating some functional fitness into the end of my routine. Clean and jerk with a shoulder press at the end, lunges while holding barbells, kettle bell swings, etc.
My ab routine was also more intense. Before it was leg lifts and decline sit ups while holding a 35lb plate over my head. Now it was that plus Russian twists with a medicine ball and a sequence of leg lifts into V’s into full sit-ups that I repeated for a few sets.
Somewhere around this time I spent about 2 months doing 10 mile runs on Tuesdays and Thursdays before lifting. I fucking hated running and I still hate running. I don’t know why I did this. Call it my Forrest Gump moment.
What I do know is it made me really fucking hungry and I gained a few pounds despite my level of high activity. The locals would make “Afghan Pizza” (meat and cheese and veg on top of fresh baked naan) and I have no self-control when it comes to good food.
Phase 3:
I had a lot of time to kill before and after shifts, so I recognize this was an insane amount of work and I don’t foresee myself getting back to this level of intensity. But near the end, I was doing two lifting sessions a day.
I took my every-other-day routine and turned it into a morning and evening routine.
I incorporated a 5 minute jog as a warm up for both sets. I also started a 20 minute boxing routine. Nothing crazy, just starting with jabs, then jab-hook, then jab-hook-uppercut, etc. Doing the same movements on each side before adding an extra step. I also started to group up exercises - e.g. chest, biceps, triceps - and perform one of each before moving on. My thought was to introduce a little shake up to counter muscle memory. No idea if it worked, but it felt good. Lastly, I broke up my ab workout between the two sessions.
Throughout all of this, I never deviated from my 2 sets of 10 reps approach except for the cleans/jerks and a few others. I didn’t even test my PRs until I returned from my deployment.
What to eat?
As I write more, I’ll share some of my favorite recipes, but don’t get bent out of shape when it comes to food. I never worried about macros. Stop eating as much garbage, control your portions, and you’ll be fine.
Do you drink soda more than once a week? Cut that out.
Do you eat fast-food during the week? Get a sandwich that isn’t 1,100 calories and a bottle of water.
For breakfast I would eat a three egg omelette with ham, cheese, and a hash brown chopped up inside or a bowl of cereal with whole milk. Lunch was a turkey sandwich with tomato and a thin layer of mayo or a fat salad with french dressing, cottage cheese, chick peas, chicken or ham, cherry tomatoes and banana peppers. Dinner was chicken breast or turkey with vegetables.
I was a desk jockey. My only exercise was my workout. I lost weight. Once you spend a month calorie counting, you get a good sense of your portions and how to stay within your caloric deficit. Do this, cut out the junk, and you’ll be a whole new you in no time.
Let’s Get Down to Business: Phase 1
Now that all that shit is out of the way, here is the routine.
Unless you’ve been lifting already, before you even think of going to the gym, you are going to work out at home for a week.
20 Push Ups
50 Crunches
20 Air Squats
20 Jumping Jacks
20 Lunges
Do this 2-3 times a day, stretch afterward, and that’s it. You need to get your body used to moving before you start throwing weights on.
Gym Time:
For the first week, start off super light. If you could technically do 30’s on the biceps, start at 20’s. You just want to get into the motions and feel things out. After that, remember, you want to work for the last few reps but still have enough juice that you COULD go 2-3 reps more past 10.
Reminder: All exercises are 2 sets of 10 unless I say otherwise.
Warm Up:
5 minute jog: pace doesn’t matter, just move your body. It’s bad to stretch cold muscle.
Sun Gods: Forward and backward rotations with your arms to the sides, above your head, and out front. 10 rotations each direction with your swings starting small and getting wider.
Perform bicep curls, shoulder press, and bench press with a very light weight before you begin the lifts. I usually do 5-10 lbs when I’m first starting to lift. I won’t ever go past 15-20 lbs.
Stretch. I’ll make a video with some of the main stretches, but just do the stuff you remember from gym class. Yes, you can over stretch. So hold them for 20 seconds and don’t bounce or force anything.
The Lifts:
Perform exercise standing, alternating arms, no swinging to finish the exercise.
Shoulder press
Free weights or bar.
DO NOT PUT THE BAR BEHIND YOUR HEAD. You will fuck up your rotator cuff. Whether it’s lat pull downs or overhead press. Do. Not. Do. This. Keep your weights slightly in front of your shoulders when using dumbbells.
French Press/Tricep Press
Use a dumbbell between both hands or a curved bar.
Be sure to not over rotate your arms. Keep your upper arms stationary and let your triceps and elbows do the work.
Sometimes your arms can do more than your tendons and joints. If you feel stress anywhere, lower the weight and let your body adapt. This is an exercise where I feel that every time I return to the gym.
Bench Press
Do 10 with just the bar before adding weight.
Lat Pull Down
This will be done with a machine.
Remember: No bar behind your head and no yanking motion to complete the rep. These machines often have an adjustable pad to hold you in place by your thighs.
Calf Raises
Hold two relatively light weights with your feet shoulder width apart.
Raise yourself up onto the balls of your feet and lower. That’s one rep.
2 sets of 20 for this exercise.
Flat Rows
God, I fucking hate this exercise.
One hand and knee on the flat bench. Keep a straight back and do a slow, steady motion when lowering the weight. You want to feel a pull through your back before you execute the second half of the lift.
Once you become very confident in keeping your proper form and posture while executing this exercise, you should “explode” when pulling the weight up. Slow, steady drop, powerful pull.
Decline Sit-Ups
Lay on the decline ab bench and hold a weight to your chest.
As you perform the sit up, extend your arms so the weight is flat to the ceiling and allow your arms to go over your head as you sit up. Maintain that position of the weight as you lay back and finish your rep.
2 sets of 20 for this exercise. It’s okay if you can’t start with a weight.
Leg Lifts
There is that device with the high back and grips for your hands. You plop yourself in, tighten your core, and lift your legs straight in front of you.
You might need to do knees-to-chest if you do not yet have the core strength to do this with straight legs.
2 sets of 10.
Forearm Curls
Grab 10lb dumbbells and with your arms at your side, start to curl them using only your wrists.
I typically shoot for 100 reps. Go until it starts to burn. Stop, wait a minute, then repeat. You’ll get to 100 eventually. At that point you’ll be ready to go up 5lbs.
Squats
Please go watch videos on proper posture before you do this shit. You can fuck up your knees and your back.
Squats are one of the most important exercises. You want gains? Learn to squat and don’t skip it.
This is an excellent starting point for anyone just getting into lifting or getting themselves back to the gym after a long hiatus. I’ll be adding some additional exercises for each muscle group as you get into the rhythm, but if you do this for a month, I promise you will see a huge difference.
Use your notes app to record your weights for each lift so you can remember them week to week.
In my next post, I’ll talk about how we start to increase weights, give you a few exercises to add to the routine as your body acclimates to being more active, and give some video guidance on a few of the exercises and stretches above. I’ll also have a few recipes that are great for meal prep or quick eats.